Noah Cyrus’ Merch Includes A $12k Bottle Of Tears

Let’s say, just for the sake of argument, that you have both the money and the inclination to spend $12,000 on a bottle of the tears of Noah Cyrus, Miley’s 18-year-old aspiring-pop-star sister. What do you do with those tears? Do you sprinkle them into your bathtub, like bubble bath? Do you wear them on a chain around your neck? Do you keep them on the mantle, as a conversation piece? Do you immediately drink them in one gulp, like a shot of whiskey?

As Billboard points out, Cyrus — last in the news because the SoundCloud rapper Lil Xan claimed that their recently-ended relationship was arranged by their label — is getting ready to release her Good Cry EP. She’s also teamed up with Pizzaslime, a clothing company, to sell a limited line of clothes and accessories. She’s selling clothes that feature images of her father Billy Ray Cyrus with tattoos drawn onto his face. She’s selling hoodies that say “sry i’m trash” and “NOAH CYRUS SUCKS.” She’s selling sweatpants with the word “SADNESS” written down the leg in Olde English font, which actually look pretty badass. And she’s selling her own tears.

On the Pizzaslime website, the tears, only available for 48 hours, are described thus:

This is approximately 12 tears made by Noah Cyrus as a result of sadness

Human digestion of these tears is not suggested cause tears are generally pretty salty and that would just be super fucking weird if you drank someone else’s tears

You can buy those tears right here. Sadly, you can only buy 10 bottles at once. No word yet on how they’re harvesting those tears — if Cyrus is just watching Coco over and over or what.

Tags: Noah Cyrus