Shut Up, Dude: This Week’s Best Comments

And Flying Up The Modern Rock Charts On Its Way To Peaking At No.2… it’s “Sexuality” by Billy Bragg, a cute and clumsy and yet very-much-needed treatise against homophobia, in favor of sex positivity, and also in favor of nonsense lyrics.

Billy Bragg has had rela-tions with girls from many na-tions. He’s made passes, to women of all classes (Billy just has to bring his class consciousness into absolutely every song he sings, regardless of context doesn’t he?) And just because you’re gay, he won’t turn you away. If you stick around, he’s sure that you can find some common ground.

It’s amazing that it needed to be said, but that's 1991 for you.

Sex is not a topic that Billy sang about much. Sex, in general, does not seem to be one of Billy’s strengths. Billy admits as much. Billy’s sure that everybody knows how much his body hates him, whilst Kirsty MacColl – who seemed to be everywhere at the time – mucks around in the background and makes fun of Billy’s small penis. For a man with the word "brag" in his name, Billy's always been remarkably modest.

Probably best for Billy that he just sings a bunch of nonsense then. “I look like Robert de Niro” he tells us. But he doesn’t really. He looks nothing like Robert de Niro. He “drives a Mitsubishi Zero” he continues. Which is unlikely, as such a car doesn’t exist.

But, in amongst all of that, Billy does let us know that “safe sex doesn’t mean no sex, it just means use your imagination.” Which I’m sure is good advice. Do I want Billy Bragg to go into more detail? No I probably do not.

Salt’n’Pepa released “Let’s Talk About Sex” at about the same time, so clearly there was something in the air. Is “Sexuality” is jangle-pop protest song version of “Let’s Talk About Sex”? Put both on your sex-positivity protest playlist today!

“Sexuality” is a 7.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Xsv9iZPYwE

lol we have been doing posts like this for 20 years

Nine years ago- and I'm having enough trouble wrapping my mind around that- we drove to Chicago for the very first wedding of my children's generation on either side of my family, my cousin the rocket scientist's younger son. It was emotional, especially since we'd lost my uncle, the groom's grandfather, just a year earlier, and delightful, and the most delightful part was when all of us danced to "Uptown Funk" (black dress with white polka dots, black and white spectator pumps, pearls). It's exactly the kind of song you want to dance to with your 80-year-old aunt and her sister and all their children and grandchildren and your children too, and that's a 10 for me.

Ya know, I was feeling your vibe a little bit until you went after Stereogum directly. Because I do think the vitriol in the comments relating to this particular story is heavily weighted to one side based on an obvious dislike of Imagine Dragons and their music (which I share - the dislike that is). But the whole "It's shit like this that has made me realize this website sucks now." What? The comment section did that? All Stereogum did was fairly report the other side of a story they started with covering Serj Tankian's opinion. That, I would point out, is actually good journalism. Also, "Well, that and their continual coverage of pop music that is absolute garbage." Uhh, what? So you want a MUSIC website that depends on traffic and user support to not report on ANY popular music? Because I'm pretty sure that they cover more underground, small, indie, even completely unknown artists than any other music site on the interwebs. I could be wrong about that, but I don't think I am. They cover metal, hardcore, jazz, country, rap/hip-hop, some electronic and every single iteration of anything resembling rock that I can think of (I still wish they covered more electronic music, but that's OK, there's too much of it to cover on a near daily basis without making this an electronic music site). This is the only site in the last probably, I don't know, ten years, that has led me to completely new, undiscovered (for me) artists that I've actually stuck with and cared about long term. I will agree with you that the comment section has moved more from being a largely positive musical think tank of sharing knowledge and interesting, thought provoking opinions towards something that looks a lot more like any old comment section anywhere on the internet. That frustrates me too sometimes. But yelling about how "this is why Stereogum sucks!" because you don't agree with the comments is weak sauce my guy.

Oh, but, probably none of that run-on, unedited paragraph matters anyway... because you're leaving, right?

I funking LOVE this song.

I really, really, REALLY love Uptown Funk.To the point where I could listen to it for hours straight and never, ever get tired of it.I never got burned out on it.I couldn't hear it enough.The more omnipresent it became in pop culture, the more I wanted to drink it in.It was a shot of the finest Funk drug direct into my veins.I grin like a dope the entire song while singing along.I feel like 8 year old-ish BabyDutch gleefully soaking up the funk grooves of Kool & the Gang, Gap Band, The Time, Chic, any band with a slap happy bass player that made me want to spontaneously dance.You wanna talk All About the Bass??Funk is all about the bass.Funk is God's Gift to us low frequency lovers.And Uptown Funk is the most delightful homage that has ever existed to any musical genre as far as I'm concerned.

Bruno's timing in the song is impeccable. That's a man who has a natural gift and knew how to use that entertainment factor to the nth; you can't teach that.Every vocal fill, little improv accents, that's folks who are having a blast performing.Their joy is palpable, which is amazing considering the super long journey the song took.

To this day, I STILL cannot sing "Smoother than a fresh jar of Skippy" without getting all tongue tied. So aggrevating!!!!That's such a great line though, that and being so hot, it makes a dragon wanna retire, man.Love it, LOVE IT!!! 🥰

One of the greatest songs ever made.The musicians are on their game, the vocal interactions are a blast, the rhythm is insane, it's 4 minutes of pure dopamine giddiness for me.Pair this with "Levitating", and boom - 2 greatest songs of the 21st century.Send those out on the next deep space probe - the universe will LOVE Planet Earthand be in awe. 😄

100/10

"Beep beep, bitch"

Hey!

My wife likes current pop music a lot more than I do, but her choices don’t necessarily mirror the Top40. Billie Eilish, Pink, and Stray Kids are favorites of hers. One thing she will occasionally do is let Apple Music suggest a bunch of new songs that she might like. (I do that sometimes, but way less often than she does). We were on a mini-vacation the week after Christmas 2014 and she was rifling through songs in the car and “Uptown Funk” came on. First time I’d heard it. It made an impression. 80’s retro-funk sounds. Real drumming. I liked it. Some parts of the song are better than others:

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Verses: 10

“I’m too hot” section: 10

“Girls sent you hallelujah”: 9

“Don’t Believe Me Just Watch” sections: 7

Before-we-leave buildup section: 10

Final chorus: 10+

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The don’t-believe-me-just-watch sections sometimes feel like they interrupt the fun of the song, but not enough to ruin it. There is just too much fun going on that it can’t be ruined. What seals the song’s appeal is that it ends SO WELL. So often once the song ends, I am so revved up with the last 30 seconds that I will just think, “YES, I’ve got to listen to it again!”  Particularly, I really like the drumming during the final choruses. Then I looked it up and was surprised to find that that is Bruno himself doing the drumming there. Color me impressed. I think I can go with a hesitant 10 here. Hesitant to give anything this recent a 10, but there is no doubt that this is my favorite #1 song since the early 90s. 

I sense the dastardly machinations of the Montague Fest

Imagine Dragon deez nuts across your chin.

What a rebuke to all the critics who claimed that the late '90s/early '00s were not a particularly fertile time in his career.