This Is What Has To Happen At The Grammys

Jay-Z is going to win the Album Of The Year Grammy for 4:44. We already, on some deep level, know this. That album is pure Grammy-bait. It’s mellow and subtle and reflective, and it does not have one single banger on it. Grammy voters hate bangers. They should give the big award to Kendrick Lamar’s DAMN. But they won’t. Too many bangers. Jay is a legend and an elder statesman and an extremely rich guy, and the Grammys love all of those things. So they’ll give the big award to Jay’s big apology to Beyoncé before they give it to any actual Beyoncé albums. We need to accept this and understand it. It’s a given. Put it in the bank. And now let’s start thinking about what should happen after Jay wins.

Here’s what I’m thinking: Kanye stage invasion. It’s been a few years now, and it needs to happen again. It needs to happen out of nowhere. Kanye has no reason to be at next year’s Grammys. He needs to be lurking in the rafters like he was Sting and this was WCW Monday Nitro in 1997. When Jay comes onstage, he needs to suddenly rappel down, or emerge from a hiding place under the Grammy podium, or something. He needs to stop this!

Kanye needs to take Jay’s Grammy. He needs to hand it to Lorde. (I don’t know why, but I’ve got this feeling that Kanye likes Melodrama better than DAMN.) And then he needs to look directly into Jay’s eyes and sing “Supercut” to him, as tenderly as possible. Maybe he’ll have Auto-Tune on his microphone. Maybe they’ll kiss afterward. I don’t know. I’m just spitballing here.

But we need this, Kanye. Come through for us. Please.

Alternately: The world needs to see the “it’s weird and it sucks that I robbed you” text that Jay sends Kendrick. A suggestion from our own Gabriela Tully Claymore: “Your album is good but I am Jay-Z.”